Hi, my name is Bob, and I bring wonderful news: you can now simply click here for success. You may know me from various scourges that have plagued the earth since the advent of broadband.
I was once like you: tired, overworked, chasing success 24/7 but never seeming to get any closer to it – no matter what I tried. But since I became Dark Lord Kieckhefer of the Fourth Order of Necromancers, I haven’t looked back.
And now I want to help you too.
I know why you’re here. You crave success but you want to skip the boring part where you actually do stuff. You’ve tried having a virtual assistant, but they need too much oversight and instruction. If only there was a way of cloning yourself, you have often joked.
That day is here.
Think And Grow Lich is the only automated system on the market today for those who want to create their own course about how to sell your course on how to market a course. This blog post is a one-time only SPECIAL OFFER: for 100% off the regular price of $5,000 you can get all the secrets without making those twelve easy payments!
Have you been slaving away without much reward? Are you sick of putting in all the time and effort to learn something when you could have just skipped that step? You need Think And Grow Lich.
Using our patented SkullMasque technology, we can map your flexible ethics and ruthless approach directly onto the neural patterns of your own newly raised undead army, who will then spam customers on your behalf so you can relax on the beach and write disingenuous articles about how you made your money!
Soon you too will be publishing books which are little more than glorified lead-generation exercises, funneling thousands of unsuspecting writers into endless squeeze pages, like some kind of giant ClickFunnel-filled Esophagus of Doom.
Here’s the best part: you don’t even need to be a necromancer. Why bother spending a decade or more learning how to communicate with the deceased and reanimate their corpses when you can hire a ghost to do it for you?
Warning: may contain traces of regret.
I hadn’t see this before. Hilarious and dead-on accurate! Thanks for being one of the good guys instead of one of the greedy ones. You are one of the few bloggers I trust on writing matters.
You’ve put into beautiful words what my rage monkey screams at the ceiling everytime I see one of these ads. Internet marketing can be like a carny hall of dirty, cracked mirrors. Thanks for the laff!
I’m surprised that Bryan Cohen is still part of this group. I would think he was above this petty scamfoolery, considering his association with Mark Dawson and Joanna Penn. Then again, a person who thinks charging 300 bucks a pop for writing a blurb is a normal business practice has already put greed over ethics a long time ago. Too bad Dawson keeps promoting the dude at every turn. I guess that circle jerk of affiliate money must be pretty sweet.
Joanna Penn and Mark Dawson are completely reputable. I am not, however, surprised about Bryan Cohen.
Glad to hear Dawson and Penn are legit in your mind – I’m a big fan of them. What’s your thoughts on Nick Stephenson?
Not sure why anyone would take marketing advice from someone who hasn’t written a book in six years.
What are your thoughts about Dawson’s Ads for Authors course?
Love it when you can poke fun at yourself. Nothing should be all that serious.
Lich Kings are famous for their dark sense of humor
My first reaction: Gosh David got hacked!
Fun at maximum speed. Great parody of all these get rich quick by doing absolutely nothing courses. Thanks, David. I was exactly on this wavelength lately. Brilliant stuff. BTW your models have eating disorders. Time for an intervention.
You are the hero the world needs. Love this!
What, no “30 day money back guarantee“?? If you don’t have one of those, people will just think it’s a scam……
Hilarious! And unfortunately, not entirely fantastical. I run into those “create your own course about how to sell your course on how to market a course” people all the time. Thanks for the laugh!
Too funny! ?Love the images to go with it!
Omg, I needed that laugh! Thank you!
Brilliant. Love it. 🙂
Laughing because the email above this one in my inbox included these words:
“Do you want to publish & receive royalties on a ready-to-publish series of Kindle books (in any genre of your choice); even though the book content, cover, keywords, description, etc is all completely done for you?
Because that’s exactly what I’m offering to you today.
Would you be interested in having this done for you?”
SMH
You mean we have to actually work? Is that what you’re saying? Gak! I’ve been bamboozeled! When I signed up for the “barefoot writing life” I didn’t realize it meant I wouldn’t be able to afford shoes.
Great post! I needed a good laugh today, buried as I am under emails, which aren’t as funny as yours… But the Twitter link doesn’t seem to be working…
Brilliant! What a great laugh! I am reminded why I have unsubscribed from a number of author/self-publishing mailing lists—and why I chose to remain subscribed to yours. 🙂 Thanks for this great post!
Don’t forget that you’ll help all of the authors who contributed squeeze pages to label themselves “USAToday Bestselling Authors” by spending 99 cents for your copy of “Think and Grow Lich.”
Yeah, I got those emails too. I even spent money on the “book,” which consists of 16 authors answering five standard questions.
I bought it too, Jeffrey. I suppose there is some wisdom to be gleaned from it, but so far, I’ve not found much magic in those magic beans.
Thanks for putting the time and effort into writing this piece. I just came across a new cartoon book called Slothilda: Living the Sloth Life but not I see there’s a viable alternative.
Sign me up you hirsute necromancer. Let’s create the world of Fandango.
Yes. It is sadly funny or funnily sad and definitely TRUE. You’ve forgotten the extra special bonuses if you sign before the fake deadline and oh-so-important affiliate programme. Thanks, David. Very therapeutic! 😉
David, this is brilliant—and oh too true.
David bless you– needed a laugh as much as a new shiny black crown.
Brilliant.
Victoria WAKS
Vjwaks.com