Click Here For Success

Hi, my name is Bob, and I bring wonderful news: you can now simply click here for success. You may know me from various scourges that have plagued the earth since the advent of broadband.

I was once like you: tired, overworked, chasing success 24/7 but never seeming to get any closer to it – no matter what I tried. But since I became Dark Lord Kieckhefer of the Fourth Order of Necromancers, I haven’t looked back.

And now I want to help you too.

My new life has given me a freedom I could only dream about before. Now I want that for you

I know why you’re here. You crave success but you want to skip the boring part where you actually do stuff. You’ve tried having a virtual assistant, but they need too much oversight and instruction. If only there was a way of cloning yourself, you have often joked.

That day is here.

Think And Grow Lich is the only automated system on the market today for those who want to create their own course about how to sell your course on how to market a course. This blog post is a one-time only SPECIAL OFFER: for 100% off the regular price of $5,000 you can get all the secrets without making those twelve easy payments!

I gave myself one simple goal: create the product that I would want if I wasn't already a powerful Necromancer. Think And Grow Lich is that dream made flesh - Bob.

Have you been slaving away without much reward? Are you sick of putting in all the time and effort to learn something when you could have just skipped that step? You need Think And Grow Lich.

Using our patented SkullMasque technology, we can map your flexible ethics and ruthless approach directly onto the neural patterns of your own newly raised undead army, who will then spam customers on your behalf so you can relax on the beach and write disingenuous articles about how you made your money!

Donna makes the most awesome squeeze pages, and hiring her was a breeze. They don't even lock graveyards anymore.

Soon you too will be publishing books which are little more than glorified lead-generation exercises, funneling thousands of unsuspecting writers into endless squeeze pages, like some kind of giant ClickFunnel-filled Esophagus of Doom.

One of my team, setting up a fake countdown clock for tomorrow's webinar which isn't live anyway.

Here’s the best part: you don’t even need to be a necromancer. Why bother spending a decade or more learning how to communicate with the deceased and reanimate their corpses when you can hire a ghost to do it for you?

Warning: may contain traces of regret.

David Gaughran

David Gaughran

Born in Ireland, he now lives in a little fishing village in Portugal, although this hasn’t increased the time spent outside. He writes novels under another name, has helped thousands of authors build a readership with his books, blogs, workshops, and courses, and has created marketing campaigns for some of the biggest self-publishers on the planet. Friend to all dogs.

28 Replies to “Click Here For Success”

  1. I hadn’t see this before. Hilarious and dead-on accurate! Thanks for being one of the good guys instead of one of the greedy ones. You are one of the few bloggers I trust on writing matters.

  2. You’ve put into beautiful words what my rage monkey screams at the ceiling everytime I see one of these ads. Internet marketing can be like a carny hall of dirty, cracked mirrors. Thanks for the laff!

  3. I’m surprised that Bryan Cohen is still part of this group. I would think he was above this petty scamfoolery, considering his association with Mark Dawson and Joanna Penn. Then again, a person who thinks charging 300 bucks a pop for writing a blurb is a normal business practice has already put greed over ethics a long time ago. Too bad Dawson keeps promoting the dude at every turn. I guess that circle jerk of affiliate money must be pretty sweet.

      1. Glad to hear Dawson and Penn are legit in your mind – I’m a big fan of them. What’s your thoughts on Nick Stephenson?

      2. Not sure why anyone would take marketing advice from someone who hasn’t written a book in six years.

  4. Fun at maximum speed. Great parody of all these get rich quick by doing absolutely nothing courses. Thanks, David. I was exactly on this wavelength lately. Brilliant stuff. BTW your models have eating disorders. Time for an intervention.

  5. What, no “30 day money back guarantee“?? If you don’t have one of those, people will just think it’s a scam……

  6. Hilarious! And unfortunately, not entirely fantastical. I run into those “create your own course about how to sell your course on how to market a course” people all the time. Thanks for the laugh!

  7. Laughing because the email above this one in my inbox included these words:
    “Do you want to publish & receive royalties on a ready-to-publish series of Kindle books (in any genre of your choice); even though the book content, cover, keywords, description, etc is all completely done for you?
    Because that’s exactly what I’m offering to you today.
    Would you be interested in having this done for you?”

  8. You mean we have to actually work? Is that what you’re saying? Gak! I’ve been bamboozeled! When I signed up for the “barefoot writing life” I didn’t realize it meant I wouldn’t be able to afford shoes.

  9. Great post! I needed a good laugh today, buried as I am under emails, which aren’t as funny as yours… But the Twitter link doesn’t seem to be working…

  10. Brilliant! What a great laugh! I am reminded why I have unsubscribed from a number of author/self-publishing mailing lists—and why I chose to remain subscribed to yours. 🙂 Thanks for this great post!

  11. Don’t forget that you’ll help all of the authors who contributed squeeze pages to label themselves “USAToday Bestselling Authors” by spending 99 cents for your copy of “Think and Grow Lich.”

    Yeah, I got those emails too. I even spent money on the “book,” which consists of 16 authors answering five standard questions.

  12. Thanks for putting the time and effort into writing this piece. I just came across a new cartoon book called Slothilda: Living the Sloth Life but not I see there’s a viable alternative.

  13. Yes. It is sadly funny or funnily sad and definitely TRUE. You’ve forgotten the extra special bonuses if you sign before the fake deadline and oh-so-important affiliate programme. Thanks, David. Very therapeutic! 😉

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